I’m just tired. . .

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If you’ve been alive for the past two weeks then I’m quite sure you know about the murders of Terrence Crutcher in Tulsa and Keith Scott in Charlotte. Two innocent men, minding their business, one whose car had broken down in the middle of the road and one who was sitting in his vehicle, are now dead.  For me to say that I’m not deeply effected by their deaths would be an all out lie.  Did I know these men personally? No. Do I still share in the grief that their families experience? Yes, and I’m tired because of it.

There’s a study out there that draws a line of correlation between African-American people and PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder).  When I first heard of it, I instantly wondered if something like this could be true.  Could we all suffer from a traumatic experience that hasn’t even happened to us personally?  I waited patiently for the myth to be debunked not noticing the weight that I was carrying daily.  I’m a law abiding citizen.  I haven’t done one bad thing in my adult life (and I consider my adult life after the age of 21 FYI) and I am nervous around the police.  When I’m driving, hands on ten and two, seatbelt on, within the speed limit, I’m afraid when I see them behind me or when I pass them.When my father leaves town, I lecture him on how to stay safe. When my daughter leaves her house to go to school, I dispatch angels to follow her. When my brother came back to the states from a lengthy deployment, I worried.  How could it be that he was safer on foreign shores than on the soil he actually fights for?

I’m tired of feeling apprehensive when I leave my house, like I have to be on watch and make sure I’m “extra good” just so I can make it home.  I’m tired of waking up every day and checking my newsfeed to see that yet another Black man, Alton Sterling, woman, Korryn Gaines, or child, Tyre King and Tamir Rice, has been killed by a person who is supposed to protect and serve.  No, I don’t have a problem with law enforcement officers but, I do have a problem with the ones who are afraid of the people whom the swore they would protect.  I’m tired of seeing new hashtags and hearing people say “well, what about black on black crime?” Are you kidding me? People kill and commit crimes in their own geological environments.  That’s like asking me about lion on lion crime when the world went nuts when Cecil the Lion was killed or gorilla on gorilla crime when Harambe the gorilla was killed. All murder makes our blood boil but it’s even worse when you KNOW the murderer won’t be charged and will get a paid vacation to boot!

We’re all tired of being silent, like Colin Kaepernick, we’re all fed up with racial tension and the great divide.  Until those who “are not Black, stand with us, this is not going to stop” (Cheryl Underwood). We can scream you’re killing us and we can’t breathe until the cows come home but no one is going to see that we are hurting until everyone else stands with us! I’m just tired.

 

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